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I suppose it's fine if no one ever reads the blog here. I didn't make an announcement, but I did place a link on orkut. So, I can only assume that anyone who recieves the new update feed there may have possibly come here. I don't know who else might come here, and I don't know if random people go reading random blogger pages, but when I write it will only be because I want to put my thoughts somewhere so that the ideas will not all be forgotten.
Lately I've been a mess. This is what the stress of college does to me. I even worry about the stress. I worry about my health, my future, my relationships, my personality.. everything. I'm stressed, and just a bit more anxious overall. I don't call it depression because that's the word I use when I think someone is unhappy and really doesn't have a good reason why. This is mostly what teenagers and menopausal mothers get to be. And when the later pushes you to your limits, convinced it's her fault because you're still having the same problems with the way she treats you, as she did when you were three. I haven't done everything perfectly. I was a bit slow and irratable with her on Sunday. The lower my blood sugar dropped, the less able I was to find myself something to eat. I think she knows this by now, but she just got angry about it. I was angry at the hurtful things she said and demeaning way she continues to talk to me. I hate further that she does it with a sweetness to her voice, and always defends that she wasn't doing the things I say she was, and she most certainly was in a good mood. In short, I'm not complaining about my imperfect family. But the pshychological games she's played with me all this time, although she clearly doesn't seem to see it herself, it keeps me trapped coming back for more. Friends used to always tell me that my mom was so nice. They seemed jealous even. I couldn't really put my finger on a good adjective to describe her. Maybe that's because I sensed a superficial level to her. I hated that her tone never changed as I got older. She still talked to me as she would to a child.... Or something like it.
Anyway, I don't need to rant here. I do it too often becauase I'm trying to work something out in my head. And I do it more when things are jumbled in my life.
I don't want to be a complainer, I want to be bright and cheery or just not say anything. I don't want to be a procrastinator. I want to feel passionate again about life. Not just in short bursts that don't become anything. I want to be able to roll with my impulses. I've quit smoking successfully, and now I just need to remain there sucessfully. That means next week, next month, and the one after.. next year, and 50 years from now. I need to remember permanently that I do not really want to pick that up again, and it really is worth it to not smoke. And then the other stuff.. I think I need to learn how to only do it when I can afford to spend some hours relaxing somewhere suitable.
I need to do work now, and I'm running out of time already, but I've not been able to concentrate at all, and then was just too tired and finally fell asleep. Now I need to just write what I can for this assigment. I wish I could reach a point of productivity in prioritizing my homework. No one is there to help me, and I keep thing to help myself. It twice and frightening to know that I've pretty much failed at the schedule that i had made and exams knocking in a weeks time. I can only count on myself, and I'm not sure it's enough.
(this piece of thing was written at 2:29 AM.... hence may contain some mistakes.... but these were the pieces of thought at the end of a tiring day..... so its justr time to sleep..... Good Night..... Ahem!!!)
